Adrian Bacon

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?”

The pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister.”

When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

“John,” the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only – Smith, Jones, Baker – that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.” He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.”

The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..” The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.”

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

“Hello, is this the FBI?”

“Yes, what do you want?”

“I’m calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house.

“Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”

“Yeah!”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yep.”

“Happy Birthday, Buddy!”

A man is lost in the Sahara desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he’s lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling, “Mush! Mush!”

Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time — “Mush! Mush!” Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo bundled up in furs driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes.

Thinking that it’s a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it’s for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, “He-elp!”

The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, “I don’t know what you’re doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I’ve been wandering around this desert for days, my water’s all gone and I’m completely lost!”

The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, “YOU’RE lost?!”

A police officer (who shall remain nameless) pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. “May I see your driver’s license and registration please?”

“What’s the problem, officer?”

“Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection.”

“Oh, come on pal, there wasn’t a car within miles of me”.

“Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution.”

“you gotta be kidding me!”

“It’s no joke, sir”.

“Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution.”

“That’s beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn’t. Now if I may see your license and…”

“You’ve got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What’s the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?”

“Sir, I’ll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!”

“I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop.”

The police officer had enough. “Sir, I can do better than that.” He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.

“Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?”

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night’s sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me”.

“Why not”, he asks.

She answers back, “Because I’m dead”.

The husband says to her, “What are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another”.

The wife says, “No, I’m definitely dead.”

Her husband insists, “You’re not dead. What in the world makes you think you’re dead?”

His wife answers, “I know I’m dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!”

An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight – an old gallows.

The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. “You see that, I reckon,” said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. “And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?”

“Riding alone,” coolly replied Paddy.

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country — if they could find the time — and if they didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a country . . . or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
12. The Pensacola News Journal is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something in which to wrap it.

Well, a few people around the office decided to pull a prank on another guy in the office and dump about 750 orange foam balls in his cubicle while he was in it.

Amazing… There’s a video somewhere of it too… I’ll link to it when I find it.

Update: Here’s the Video…

Click To Play