Relationships

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Women!

Somebody sent this to me in an email… I thought it was pretty good, so I posted it here… enjoy!

Women’s Perfect Breakfast

A woman’s perfect breakfast: She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And, her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Women’s Revenge

“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.

“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him.”

Understanding Women

I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Sectional, Schmectional

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman.

“Is there something in particular I can show you?” he asked.

“Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa.”

“You mean a sectional sofa,” he suggested.

“Sectional, schmectional,” she bitterly retorted. “All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!”

Hey! Wait a Minute…

I said to my wife, “Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman in our street except one.”

She replied, “I’ll bet it’s that stuck-up Phyllis in apartment 23.”

No Cabbage For You

Two elderly ladies meet at the laundromat after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health one asked how the other’s husband was doing.

“Oh! Harold died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead, right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!”

“Oh dear! I’m very sorry,” replied her friend. “What did you do?”

“Well, I opened a can of peas instead!”

The Drug Store

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

He asks “What for?”

She says “I want to kill my husband”.

He says “Sorry, I can’t do that.”

She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife and hands it to him.

He looks at it and says, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription!”