The Rules For Men Explained

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women.

Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

Simple Duties

You make the bed +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1
You leave the toilet seat up -5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings +5
in the snow +8
but return with beer -5
and no liners -25
You check out a suspicious noise at night 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something +5
You pummel it with a six-iron +10
It’s her cat -40

At The Party

You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy -2
Named Tiffany -4
Tiffany is a dancer -10
With breast implants -18

Her Birthday

You remember her birthday 0
You buy a card and flowers 0
You take her out to dinner 0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar +1
Okay, it is a sports bar -2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night -3
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team -10

A Night Out With The Boys

Go with a pal 0
The pal is happily married +1
The pal is single -7
He drives a Ferrari -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED) -15

A Night Out With Her

You take her to a movie +2
You take her to a movie she likes +4
You take her to a movie you hate +6
You take her to a movie you like -2
It’s called Death Cop 3 -3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans -15

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable pot belly -15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it +10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts -30
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” -800

The Big Question

She asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?”

You hesitate in responding -10
You reply, “Where?” -35
You reply, “no, I think it’s your ass” -100
Any other response -20

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned statement 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes +5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience +50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying “well, what do you think I should do?” -50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV +100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep -200

Non-Communication

She gives you the silent treatment:

You ask if there’s anything wrong -1
You ask if it’s anything you did -5
You apologize for something you supposedly did, then ask +1
You say: “What’s wrong now?” -10
You know what it is she’s mad at, it’s something she’s blown way out of proportion, so you give her the silent treatment -25
You don’t immediately notice, and ask for sex -1/2 pint blood

Twenty Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters

Somebody sent this to me via email, and I thought I’d post it here… enjoy!

  1. Give away something other than candy (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.).
  2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume and holding a bag and yell, “Trick or Treat!” Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
  3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, “Top Secret” in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, “It’s about time you got here,” give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
  4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, “Come in.” When they do, have everyone yell, “Surprise!!!” Act like it’s a surprise party.
  5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what’s wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural “whirring” sound.
  6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
  7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don’t move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
  8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, “Crawl for it!”
  9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until they go away.
  10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
  11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
  12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
  13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
  14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
  15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
  16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
  17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M’s and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don’t have any candy.
  18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.
  19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin
  20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you’re finished.