50 Reasons To Be A Woman

  1. Free Drinks
  2. Free Dinners
  3. Free Movies (You get the point)
  4. You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you’re gay.
  5. You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU’RE gay.
  6. You know The Truth about whether size matters.
  7. Speeding ticket? What’s that?
  8. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
  9. You never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned in high school.
  10. If you have sex with someone and don’t call the next day, you’re not the devil.
  11. Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex.
  12. If you have to be home in time for 90210, you can say so — out loud.
  13. If you’re not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling.
  14. You can sleep your way to the top.
  15. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
  16. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
  17. It’s possible for you to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
  18. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
  19. Brad Pitt
  20. You don’t have to fart to amuse yourself.
  21. If you cheat on your spouse, people assume it’s because you’re being emotionally neglected.
  22. YOU never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
  23. You’ll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper.
  24. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
  25. If you think the person you’re dating really likes you, you don’t have to break up with them.
  26. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
  27. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
  28. You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her ass.
  29. If you have a zit, you can conceal it.
  30. You never have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there.
  31. If you’re dumb, some people will find it cute.
  32. You don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
  33. You have the ability to dress yourself.
  34. You have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
  35. You can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
  36. If you marry someone 20 years younger, you’re aware that you look like an idiot.
  37. If you’re wearing cologne, you don’t have to pretend it’s aftershave.
  38. You’ll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley.
  39. You’ll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
  40. You can quickly end any fight by crying.
  41. Your friends won’t think you’re weird if you ask whether there’s spinach in your teeth.
  42. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
  43. You’ve never had a goatee.
  44. Gay waiters don’t make you uncomfortable.
  45. You’ll never regret piercing your ears.
  46. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
  47. You’ll never discover you’ve been duped by a Wonderbra.
  48. You don’t have hair on your back.
  49. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
  50. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way that only another woman truly can.

Viagra Again

Mary asks her husband, John, if he’d like some breakfast: “Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?”

He declines: “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At lunchtime, Mary asks if he would like something: “A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?”

He declines: “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

Come dinnertime, she again asks John if he wants anything to eat. She’ll go to the store and buy him some food. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he’d like a pizza microwaved or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

John declines: “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

Exasperated, Mary gives him an elbow and says, “Would you mind letting me up? I’m starving!”

Some Advice For Men

A Friend of Mine sent this to me… I thought it was pretty good… Enjoy!

  1. If lifting the toilet seat is so exhausting, learn to aim better.
  2. Do not fool yourself into believing that combing your hair over makes you look less bald and does not make you an object of ridicule when we see you in the bar/street/office.
  3. Do not bother to search for the perfect present. We know your limitations and will settle for something we can return at a later date. And here’s a hint: exercise machines and cookware will not be met with anything other than hostility, even if we ask for them.
  4. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Get over it.
  5. Waiting on you hand and foot when you are ill is not a mark of how much we love you. If you are sick, go to the doctor. If you don’t want to go to the doctor, shut the hell up and get your own Kleenex.
  6. Anything you can do while drinking beer and smoking is not a sport and we will never think of it that way.
  7. You have enough ratty t-shirts. You do not use enough Speed Stick on the weekends.
  8. We cry. It’s genetic. Let it go.
  9. Your ex-girlfriend is a bitch. Comparisons are made at your own risk.
  10. Do not offer us unsolicited advice. If we want to be told how to do something, we will ask an expert. More than likely, this will not be you.
  11. Refusing to ask for directions when you are lost does not make you more of a man.
  12. Whenever possible, ask us for sex when the commercials start so that if we say “yes” we won’t miss anything.
  13. Do not give us the silent treatment. The things we will do to make you speak will annoy you far more than the five minutes you could have spent talking about the problem.
  14. Pot bellies are for pigs.
  15. Sometimes, we are thinking of Russell Crowe. Shut up and be thankful if this cures a 17 week headache.
  16. One speculum beats one “turn your head and cough” every time.
  17. It is not PMS. You are just annoying at exactly the wrong time. (That’s why PMS stands for Permanent Male Stupidity).
  18. If you can remember Hank Aaron’s batting average, you can remember our birthdays and anniversaries, so stop making excuses and get a PDA.
  19. If you stop complaining about the number of shoes we have and don’t wear, we’ll stop complaining about the number of tools you have and don’t use.
  20. It is 2005. We understand sports, computers and cars. We may not wish to spend countless hours playing and/or discussing any of them.
  21. Acting a little jealous is cute. Being maniacally possessive is a restraining order.

Vocabulary Enhancements

Top 10 replies by developers when their programs don’t work:

  1. ‘I thought I fixed that.’
  2. ‘Why do you want to do it that way?’
  3. ‘Where were you when the program blew up?’
  4. ‘Did you check for a virus?’
  5. ‘Somebody must have changed my code.’
  6. ‘It works, but it hasn’t been tested.’
  7. ‘You must have the wrong version.’
  8. ‘It worked yesterday.’
  9. ‘It’s never done that before.’
  10. ‘That’s weird…’