The Year’s Best (Actual) Headlines Of 2005

Crack Found on Governor’s Daughter …(Imagine That!)

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says …(No, really?)

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers …(Now that’s taking things a bit far!)

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? …(Not if I wipe thoroughly!)

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over …(What a guy!)

Miners Refuse to Work after Death …(No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-sos!)

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant …(See if that works any better than a fair trial!)

War Dims Hope for Peace …(I can see where it might have that effect!)

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile …(You think?)

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures …(Who would have thought!)

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide …(They may be on to something!)

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges …(You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?)

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge …(he probably IS the battery charge!)

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group …(Weren’t they fat enough?!)

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft …(That’s what he gets for eating those beans!)

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks …(Taste like chicken?)

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half …(Chainsaw Massacre all over again!)

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors …(Boy, are they tall!)

And the winner is…. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Only A Mexican Wife

The sick Mexican husband was laying on his death bed.

He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales.

He dearly loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his querida Rosita’s tamales.

With every last bit of the energy left in his mind and body, the terminally ill husband pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen.

Here, his wife was removing the fresh batch of tamales from the stove top.

As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his corazon, Rosita, smacked him in the back of the head with a wooden spoon: “Leave them alone, pendejo! …They’re for your funeral!”

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.