Flying Blind

Two men dressed in pilot’s uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will surely plough right into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands and it was all just a joke.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, “You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die.”

Yet A Few More of Life’s Unanswered Questions

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. But it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Retirement

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for social security. After waiting in line a long time, he got to the counter.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later.”

The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.” So, he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed his social security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.

She said, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability too. “

A Family Of Three

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, “I have great news for you. Pretty soon we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”

The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said, “Oh darling, I’m the happiest man in the world.”

But then she said, “I’m glad that you feel that way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us.”

Mid-Life Crisis

Well, it’s not a mid-life crisis, but here’s how things worked out for me.

Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, “Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.”

“Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.

Funny Signs

Sign over a gynecologist’s office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

On a Plumbers truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.”

At a laundry shop: “How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?”

At a towing company: “We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

In a nonsmoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

Two Trees

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.”

Anatomy Class

Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class; “Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?”

Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way. “Mary, can you tell me?” Mary stands up, blushing furiously.

“Sir, how dare you ask me such a question?” she says. “I’m going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired.”

Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary’s reaction, but undaunted, he asks the class the question again. This time Sam raises his hand.

“Yes, Sam,” says Mr. Sampson.

“Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye.”

“Very good, Sam. Thank you.” Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, “Mary, I have 3 things to say to you. First, it’s clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, one day you are going to be sadly disappointed.”

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye–they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

  • the car isn’t washed
  • the bills aren’t paid
  • there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
  • the flowers don’t have enough water
  • there is still only 1 check in my check book
  • I can’t find the remote
  • I can’t find my glasses
  • I don’t remember what I did with the car keys

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail.

Oil Change Instructions

For Women

  1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
  2. Drink a cup of coffee.
  3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money Spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00

For Men

  1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, and cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
  2. Stop by 7 – 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
  3. Open a beer and drink it.
  4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
  5. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
  6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
  7. Place drain pan under engine.
  8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
  9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
  10. Unscrew drain plug.
  11. Drop drain plug in p an of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
  12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
  13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
  14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
  15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
  16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filt among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
  17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
  18. Sunday: Skip church because “I gotta finish the oil change.” Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
  19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
  20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
  21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
  22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
  23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
  24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
  25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
  26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
  27. Drink beer.
  28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
  29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
  30. Drink beer.
  31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
  32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
  33. Begin cussing fit.
  34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
  35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
  36. Beer.
  37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
  38. Beer.
  39. Beer.
  40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
  41. Beer.
  42. Lower car from jack stands.
  43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
  44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 – 43.
  45. Beer.
  46. Test drive car.
  47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
  48. Car gets impounded.
  49. Call loving wife, make bail.
  50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money Spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound Fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4165.00

But you know the job was done right!