The Purina Diet

I have a Labrador retriever and I was buying a fifty pound bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting ‘The Purina Diet’ again, although I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital last time. But that I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out all over and I-Vs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

Practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall, black guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I’d been poisoned.

I told her no, I had been sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me. I thought the black guy was going to have to stagger out the door, he was laughing so hard.

Author: Adrian Bacon

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