Beer Contains Female Hormones

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

  1. Argued over nothing
  2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong
  3. Gained weight
  4. Talked excessively without making sense
  5. Became overly emotional
  6. Couldn’t drive
  7. Failed to think rationally
  8. Had to sit down while urinating

No further testing was considered necessary.

Strategies for a Dead Horse!

Ancient wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in organizations we often try many other strategies, including the following:

  1. Changing riders
  2. Buying a stronger whip
  3. Falling back on: “This is the way we’ve always ridden”
  4. Appointing a committee to study the dead horse
  5. Study other companies to see how they ride dead horses
  6. Increasing the standards for riding dead horses
  7. Appointing a group to revive the dead horse
  8. Creating a training session to improve riding skills
  9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today’s environment
  10. Changing the requirements so that the horse no longer meets the standard of dead
  11. Hiring an external consultant to show how a dead horse can be ridden
  12. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed
  13. Increasing funding to improve the horse’s performance
  14. Declaring that no horse is too dead to beat
  15. Doing a study to see if outsourcing will reduce the cost of riding a dead horse
  16. Buying a computer program to enhance dead horse performance
  17. Declaring a dead horse less costly than a live one
  18. Forming a workgroup to find uses for dead horses
  19. Changing performance requirements for the horse
  20. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

And You Thought You Knew Almost Everything!

  1. Mosquito repellents don’t repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito’s sensors so they don’t know you’re there.
  2. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. I keep my toothbrush in the living room now.
  3. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
  4. No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
  5. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
  6. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
  7. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
  8. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.
  9. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
  10. A Boeing 747’s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother’s first flight.
  11. The wingspan of the B-36, an retired USAF bomber, was twice as long.
  12. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
  13. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
  14. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
  15. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
  16. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
  17. The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first ‘Marlboro Man’.
  18. Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
  19. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
  20. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
  21. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn’t like being seen wearing them in public.
  22. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
  23. Pearls melt in vinegar.
  24. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
  25. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
  26. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs…but not downstairs.
  27. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo and no one knows why.
  28. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
  29. Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word “criminal.” The second? William Jefferson Clinton.
  30. Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Bill Gates Goes To Hell

Satan greets him: “Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you’ve got me in a good mood, I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever.”

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table and to Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says “I’ll take this option.”

“Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

“That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give him the best place of all!”

“That’s what everyone thinks” snickered Satan.

“The bottle has a hole in it!”

“What about the PC?”

“It’s got Windows 95!” laughed Satan.

“And it’s missing three keys,”

“Which three?”

“Control, Alt and Delete.”