Sahara Desert

A man is lost in the Sahara desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he’s lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling, “Mush! Mush!”

Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time — “Mush! Mush!” Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo bundled up in furs driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes.

Thinking that it’s a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it’s for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, “He-elp!”

The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, “I don’t know what you’re doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I’ve been wandering around this desert for days, my water’s all gone and I’m completely lost!”

The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, “YOU’RE lost?!”

Stop Or Slow Down

A police officer (who shall remain nameless) pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. “May I see your driver’s license and registration please?”

“What’s the problem, officer?”

“Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection.”

“Oh, come on pal, there wasn’t a car within miles of me”.

“Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution.”

“you gotta be kidding me!”

“It’s no joke, sir”.

“Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution.”

“That’s beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn’t. Now if I may see your license and…”

“You’ve got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What’s the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?”

“Sir, I’ll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!”

“I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop.”

The police officer had enough. “Sir, I can do better than that.” He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.

“Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?”

Don’t Touch Me

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night’s sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me”.

“Why not”, he asks.

She answers back, “Because I’m dead”.

The husband says to her, “What are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another”.

The wife says, “No, I’m definitely dead.”

Her husband insists, “You’re not dead. What in the world makes you think you’re dead?”

His wife answers, “I know I’m dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!”

An American and an Irishman

An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight – an old gallows.

The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. “You see that, I reckon,” said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. “And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?”

“Riding alone,” coolly replied Paddy.

The Demographics of American Newspapers

  1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
  2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
  3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
  4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
  5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country — if they could find the time — and if they didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.
  6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
  7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
  8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
  9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
  10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a country . . . or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.
  11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
  12. The Pensacola News Journal is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something in which to wrap it.

Mike’s Orange Balls

Well, a few people around the office decided to pull a prank on another guy in the office and dump about 750 orange foam balls in his cubicle while he was in it.

Mike's Orange Balls 004

Amazing… There’s a video somewhere of it too… I’ll link to it when I find it.

Update: Here’s the Video…

Some guy’s at work decided to dump about 750 orange foam balls on a co-worker… check it out…