I was reading Scoble’s blog, and saw the best blonde joke ever…
You Know You’re a 90’s Kid If…
You’ve ever ended a sentence with the word “PSYCHE!”
You can sing the rap to “The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air”
You’ve worn skorts and felt stylish
You yearned to be part of the Baby-Sitters club
You use to love playing with your MY Little Pet Shop
You know that “WOAH” comes from Joey from “Blossom” and that “How Rude!” comes from Stephanie from “Full House”
You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
You wore a ponytail on the side of your head and had fluffed bangs
You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
You wanted to change your name to “JEM” in kindergarten
You remember reading “Goosebumps”
You know the profound meaning of “Wax on, wax off”
You have pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.
You remember the craze then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books.
You still get the urge to say “NOT” after (almost) every sentence…Not…
You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green Ranger were meant to be together.
You remember “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”
You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates
You wore socks over leggings scrunched down
You remember boom boxes vs. cd players
You knew what it meant to say “Care Bear Stare”
You remember Alf, the little brown alien from Melmac and Vicki the Robot from “MY Little Wonder”
You remember New Kids on The Block when they were cool
You knew all the characters names and their life stories on “Saved By The Bell”
You played and or collected “Pogs”
You used to pretend to be a MIGHTY MORPHIN Power Ranger and you owned a Skip It
You had at least one GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere
You watched the original Care Bears, My Little Pony, and Ninja Turtles
All your school supplies were “Lisa Frank” brand.(pencils.notebooks.binders.etc.)
You used to wear those stick on earings, not only on your ears, but at the corners of your eyes.
You remember a time before the WB.
You’ve gotten creeped out by “Are You Afraid of the Dark?”
You thought it would be so cool to be Alex Mack.
You know the Macarena by heart.. LOL
“Talk to the hand” …enough said
You thought Brain woud finally take over the world
50 Reasons To Be A Woman
- Free Drinks
- Free Dinners
- Free Movies (You get the point)
- You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you’re gay.
- You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU’RE gay.
- You know The Truth about whether size matters.
- Speeding ticket? What’s that?
- New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
- You never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned in high school.
- If you have sex with someone and don’t call the next day, you’re not the devil.
- Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex.
- If you have to be home in time for 90210, you can say so — out loud.
- If you’re not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling.
- You can sleep your way to the top.
- You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
- Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
- It’s possible for you to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
- No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
- Brad Pitt
- You don’t have to fart to amuse yourself.
- If you cheat on your spouse, people assume it’s because you’re being emotionally neglected.
- YOU never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
- You’ll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper.
- No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
- If you think the person you’re dating really likes you, you don’t have to break up with them.
- Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
- If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
- You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her ass.
- If you have a zit, you can conceal it.
- You never have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there.
- If you’re dumb, some people will find it cute.
- You don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
- You have the ability to dress yourself.
- You have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
- You can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
- If you marry someone 20 years younger, you’re aware that you look like an idiot.
- If you’re wearing cologne, you don’t have to pretend it’s aftershave.
- You’ll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley.
- You’ll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
- You can quickly end any fight by crying.
- Your friends won’t think you’re weird if you ask whether there’s spinach in your teeth.
- There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
- You’ve never had a goatee.
- Gay waiters don’t make you uncomfortable.
- You’ll never regret piercing your ears.
- You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
- You’ll never discover you’ve been duped by a Wonderbra.
- You don’t have hair on your back.
- You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
- You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way that only another woman truly can.
Mary asks her husband, John, if he’d like some breakfast: “Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?”
He declines: “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
At lunchtime, Mary asks if he would like something: “A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?”
He declines: “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
Come dinnertime, she again asks John if he wants anything to eat. She’ll go to the store and buy him some food. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he’d like a pizza microwaved or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?
John declines: “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
Exasperated, Mary gives him an elbow and says, “Would you mind letting me up? I’m starving!”
Some Advice For Men
A Friend of Mine sent this to me… I thought it was pretty good… Enjoy!
- If lifting the toilet seat is so exhausting, learn to aim better.
- Do not fool yourself into believing that combing your hair over makes you look less bald and does not make you an object of ridicule when we see you in the bar/street/office.
- Do not bother to search for the perfect present. We know your limitations and will settle for something we can return at a later date. And here’s a hint: exercise machines and cookware will not be met with anything other than hostility, even if we ask for them.
- Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Get over it.
- Waiting on you hand and foot when you are ill is not a mark of how much we love you. If you are sick, go to the doctor. If you don’t want to go to the doctor, shut the hell up and get your own Kleenex.
- Anything you can do while drinking beer and smoking is not a sport and we will never think of it that way.
- You have enough ratty t-shirts. You do not use enough Speed Stick on the weekends.
- We cry. It’s genetic. Let it go.
- Your ex-girlfriend is a bitch. Comparisons are made at your own risk.
- Do not offer us unsolicited advice. If we want to be told how to do something, we will ask an expert. More than likely, this will not be you.
- Refusing to ask for directions when you are lost does not make you more of a man.
- Whenever possible, ask us for sex when the commercials start so that if we say “yes” we won’t miss anything.
- Do not give us the silent treatment. The things we will do to make you speak will annoy you far more than the five minutes you could have spent talking about the problem.
- Pot bellies are for pigs.
- Sometimes, we are thinking of Russell Crowe. Shut up and be thankful if this cures a 17 week headache.
- One speculum beats one “turn your head and cough” every time.
- It is not PMS. You are just annoying at exactly the wrong time. (That’s why PMS stands for Permanent Male Stupidity).
- If you can remember Hank Aaron’s batting average, you can remember our birthdays and anniversaries, so stop making excuses and get a PDA.
- If you stop complaining about the number of shoes we have and don’t wear, we’ll stop complaining about the number of tools you have and don’t use.
- It is 2005. We understand sports, computers and cars. We may not wish to spend countless hours playing and/or discussing any of them.
- Acting a little jealous is cute. Being maniacally possessive is a restraining order.
Top 10 replies by developers when their programs don’t work:
- ‘I thought I fixed that.’
- ‘Why do you want to do it that way?’
- ‘Where were you when the program blew up?’
- ‘Did you check for a virus?’
- ‘Somebody must have changed my code.’
- ‘It works, but it hasn’t been tested.’
- ‘You must have the wrong version.’
- ‘It worked yesterday.’
- ‘It’s never done that before.’
- ‘That’s weird…’
The Seven Stages of Production
The Rules For Men Explained
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women.
Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:
|You make the bed||+1|
|You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows||0|
|You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets||-1|
|You leave the toilet seat up||-5|
|You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty||0|
|When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex||-1|
|When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom||-2|
|You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings||+5|
|in the snow||+8|
|but return with beer||-5|
|and no liners||-25|
|You check out a suspicious noise at night||0|
|You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing||0|
|You check out a suspicious noise and it is something||+5|
|You pummel it with a six-iron||+10|
|It’s her cat||-40|
At The Party
|You stay by her side the entire party||0|
|You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy||-2|
|Tiffany is a dancer||-10|
|With breast implants||-18|
|You remember her birthday||0|
|You buy a card and flowers||0|
|You take her out to dinner||0|
|You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar||+1|
|Okay, it is a sports bar||-2|
|And it’s all-you-can-eat night||-3|
|It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team||-10|
A Night Out With The Boys
|Go with a pal||0|
|The pal is happily married||+1|
|The pal is single||-7|
|He drives a Ferrari||-10|
|With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)||-15|
A Night Out With Her
|You take her to a movie||+2|
|You take her to a movie she likes||+4|
|You take her to a movie you hate||+6|
|You take her to a movie you like||-2|
|It’s called Death Cop 3||-3|
|Which features Cyborgs that eat humans||-9|
|You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans||-15|
|You develop a noticeable pot belly||-15|
|You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it||+10|
|You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts||-30|
|You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.”||-800|
The Big Question
She asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?”
|You hesitate in responding||-10|
|You reply, “Where?”||-35|
|You reply, “no, I think it’s your ass”||-100|
|Any other response||-20|
When she wants to talk about a problem:
|You listen, displaying a concerned statement||0|
|You listen, for over 30 minutes||+5|
|You relate to her problem and share a similar experience||+50|
|Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying “well, what do you think I should do?”||-50|
|You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV||+100|
|She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep||-200|
She gives you the silent treatment:
|You ask if there’s anything wrong||-1|
|You ask if it’s anything you did||-5|
|You apologize for something you supposedly did, then ask||+1|
|You say: “What’s wrong now?”||-10|
|You know what it is she’s mad at, it’s something she’s blown way out of proportion, so you give her the silent treatment||-25|
|You don’t immediately notice, and ask for sex||-1/2 pint blood|
Twenty Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters
Somebody sent this to me via email, and I thought I’d post it here… enjoy!
- Give away something other than candy (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.).
- Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume and holding a bag and yell, “Trick or Treat!” Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
- Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, “Top Secret” in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, “It’s about time you got here,” give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
- Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, “Come in.” When they do, have everyone yell, “Surprise!!!” Act like it’s a surprise party.
- Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what’s wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural “whirring” sound.
- After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
- Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don’t move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
- When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, “Crawl for it!”
- When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until they go away.
- Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
- Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
- Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
- When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
- Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
- Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
- Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
- Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M’s and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don’t have any candy.
- Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.
- Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin
- Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you’re finished.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.