Get Out Of The Car!

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her hand gun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason that she wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two twelve packs of beer in the front seat next to her.

A few minutes later, she found her own car, parked not more than four or five space down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told her story could not stop laughing.

He pointed down to the end of the counter, where four pale men where reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges where filed.

If you’re going to have a senior moment, at least make it a memorable one.

21 Things You Wish You Could Say At Work

  1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of it.
  2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.
  3. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word.
  4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  5. Ahh, I see the screw up fairy has visited again.
  6. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  7. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  8. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
  9. Someday we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
  10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  11. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
  12. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  13. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  14. What am I? Flypaper for geeks?
  15. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignifigant.
  16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  17. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got Karma to burn off.
  18. No, my powers can be used only for good.
  19. I’m really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
  20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
  21. How about “never”? Is “never” good for you?

Conversation With Jesus

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a vodka and cranberry along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.

I said, ‘Jesus, why do I work so hard?’

And I heard the reply: ‘Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather.’

I said, ‘I thought that money was the root of all evil.’

And the reply was: ‘No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad.’

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. ‘Jesus,’ I said, ‘what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?’

He replied, ‘That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Senor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn.’

Hillary Clinton vs. God

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They’re up in heaven, and God’s sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

“Al, what do you believe in?”

Al replies, “Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we’ll all die.”

God thinks for a second and says “Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left.”

God then addresses Bill. “Bill, what do you believe in?”

Bill replies, “Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people’s pain.”

God thinks for a second and says “Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.”

God then address Hillary. “Hillary, what do you believe in?”

“I believe you’re in my chair.”

A Grandchild’s Guide to Using Grandpa’s Computer By Dr. Seuss

This is a slight variation to one I posted previously.

Here’s an easy game to play.
Here’s an easy thing to say.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash,
Then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!

You can’t say this, sir? What a shame sir!
We’ll find you another game sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot it and go out with a bang,

‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer, and be sure to tell your mom!

Top 10 Reasons Computers Must Be Female

  1. Asks you to take out the recycle bin
  2. Gives you the cold boot in the morning
  3. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them
  4. They work only when they want to
  5. It keeps you up late at night for no good reason
  6. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
  7. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference
  8. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
  9. The message, “Bad command or filename,” is about as informative as: “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you!”
  10. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on it

Pecans In The Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.” He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.”

The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..” The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.”

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

Turning In The Neighbors

“Hello, is this the FBI?”

“Yes, what do you want?”

“I’m calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house.

“Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”

“Yeah!”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yep.”

“Happy Birthday, Buddy!”

Sahara Desert

A man is lost in the Sahara desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he’s lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling, “Mush! Mush!”

Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time — “Mush! Mush!” Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo bundled up in furs driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes.

Thinking that it’s a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it’s for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, “He-elp!”

The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, “I don’t know what you’re doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I’ve been wandering around this desert for days, my water’s all gone and I’m completely lost!”

The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, “YOU’RE lost?!”

Stop Or Slow Down

A police officer (who shall remain nameless) pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. “May I see your driver’s license and registration please?”

“What’s the problem, officer?”

“Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection.”

“Oh, come on pal, there wasn’t a car within miles of me”.

“Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution.”

“you gotta be kidding me!”

“It’s no joke, sir”.

“Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution.”

“That’s beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn’t. Now if I may see your license and…”

“You’ve got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What’s the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?”

“Sir, I’ll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!”

“I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop.”

The police officer had enough. “Sir, I can do better than that.” He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.

“Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?”