Category: Humor

A pastor and two of his deacons are out on the river fishing in their rowboat. Twelve o’clock rolls around, and one of the deacons notices a nice spot on the bank to have lunch. He turns to the others and says, “That looks like a nice spot for lunch. What do you say we have lunch over there?”

The other deacon agrees, and so does the pastor. The deacon stands up in the boat, steps out onto the river and walks over to the bank. The pastor looks on with amazement, and thinks to himself, if his deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.

The other deacon stands up, picks up the picnic basket, steps out of the boat, and walks over to the bank and sits with the first deacon.

Again, the pastor thinks, if his second deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.

The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat, and falls right into the water. While he’s splashing around the first deacon turns to the second and says, “Think we should have told him where the tree stumps are?”

An 85-year-old couple, after being happily married for almost 60 years, died together in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to Mom’s interest in health food and proper diet.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their luxury mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bedroom suite and a fancy in-house Jacuzzi. The old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. “It’s free,” St. Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”

Next, they went out the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home faced upon. They would have golfing privileges every day. In addition, it changed to a new one daily, representing the greatest golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, “So, what are the green fees?” St. Peter replied, “This is Heaven, you play for free.”

Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the best cuisine of the World laid out.

“How much to eat?” asked the old man. “Don’t you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free,” St. Peter replied with some exasperation.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly. In a forceful voice, St. Peter said, “That’s the best part, you can eat as much as like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick — this is Heaven.”

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his halo, screaming wildly and taking the Lord’s name in vain. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong.

The old man glared at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here years ago.”

This was sent to me by one of my friends… It’s pretty funny…

From my friends mouth: My ex-husband had this annoying habit of bringing greasy old carburetors and things into the house to work on. So, last week, when my friend called to tell me this story, my first response was, “Where did this guy live?”

The way my friend told it, this guy pushed his motorcycle from the patio into his living room, where he began to clean the engine with some rags and a bowl of gasoline. When he finished, he sat on the motorcycle and decided to start it to make sure evertying was still OK. Unfortunately, the bike started in gear, and crashed through the glass patio door with thim still clinging to the handlebars.

His wife had been working in the kitchen. She came running at the noise, and found him crumpled on the patio, badly cut from the shards of broken glass. She called 911, and the paramedics transported the guy to the emergency room.

Later that afternoon, after many stitches had pulled her husband back togther, the wife brought him home and put him to bed. She cleaned up the mess in the living room, and dumped the bowl of gasoline in the toilet.

Shortly therafter, her husband woke up, let a cigarette, and went into the bathroom. He sat down and tossed the cigarette into the toilet, which promptly exploded because the wife had not flushed the gasoline away. The explosion blew the man through the bathroom door.

The wife heard the explosion and her husband’s screams. She ran into the hall and found him lying on the floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same two paramedics were dispatched to the scene. They layed the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. One of them asked the wife how the injury had occurred. When she told them, they began laughing so hard that they dropped the stretcher, and broke the guy’s collarbone.

Talk about Instant Karma.

First it was this:

Then:

And Now:

There is sign harassment going on here… It’s gotta be a conspiracy.

Crack Found on Governor’s Daughter …(Imagine That!)

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says …(No, really?)

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers …(Now that’s taking things a bit far!)

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? …(Not if I wipe thoroughly!)

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over …(What a guy!)

Miners Refuse to Work after Death …(No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-sos!)

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant …(See if that works any better than a fair trial!)

War Dims Hope for Peace …(I can see where it might have that effect!)

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile …(You think?)

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures …(Who would have thought!)

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide …(They may be on to something!)

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges …(You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?)

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge …(he probably IS the battery charge!)

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group …(Weren’t they fat enough?!)

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft …(That’s what he gets for eating those beans!)

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks …(Taste like chicken?)

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half …(Chainsaw Massacre all over again!)

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors …(Boy, are they tall!)

And the winner is…. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

The sick Mexican husband was laying on his death bed.

He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales.

He dearly loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his querida Rosita’s tamales.

With every last bit of the energy left in his mind and body, the terminally ill husband pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen.

Here, his wife was removing the fresh batch of tamales from the stove top.

As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his corazon, Rosita, smacked him in the back of the head with a wooden spoon: “Leave them alone, pendejo! …They’re for your funeral!”

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

I was reading Scoble’s blog, and saw the best blonde joke ever…

You’ve ever ended a sentence with the word “PSYCHE!”

You can sing the rap to “The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air”

You’ve worn skorts and felt stylish

You yearned to be part of the Baby-Sitters club

You use to love playing with your MY Little Pet Shop

You know that “WOAH” comes from Joey from “Blossom” and that “How Rude!” comes from Stephanie from “Full House”

You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

You wore a ponytail on the side of your head and had fluffed bangs

You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

You wanted to change your name to “JEM” in kindergarten

You remember reading “Goosebumps”

You know the profound meaning of “Wax on, wax off”

You have pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.

You remember the craze then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books.

You still get the urge to say “NOT” after (almost) every sentence…Not…

You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green Ranger were meant to be together.

You remember “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”

You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates

You wore socks over leggings scrunched down

You remember boom boxes vs. cd players

You knew what it meant to say “Care Bear Stare”

You remember Alf, the little brown alien from Melmac and Vicki the Robot from “MY Little Wonder”

You remember New Kids on The Block when they were cool

You knew all the characters names and their life stories on “Saved By The Bell”

You played and or collected “Pogs”

You used to pretend to be a MIGHTY MORPHIN Power Ranger and you owned a Skip It

You had at least one GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere

You watched the original Care Bears, My Little Pony, and Ninja Turtles

All your school supplies were “Lisa Frank” brand.(pencils.notebooks.binders.etc.)

You used to wear those stick on earings, not only on your ears, but at the corners of your eyes.

You remember a time before the WB.

You’ve gotten creeped out by “Are You Afraid of the Dark?”

You thought it would be so cool to be Alex Mack.

You know the Macarena by heart.. LOL

“Talk to the hand” …enough said

You thought Brain woud finally take over the world

1. Free Drinks
2. Free Dinners
3. Free Movies (You get the point)
4. You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you’re gay.
5. You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU’RE gay.
6. You know The Truth about whether size matters.
7. Speeding ticket? What’s that?
8. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
9. You never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned in high school.
10. If you have sex with someone and don’t call the next day, you’re not the devil.
11. Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex.
12. If you have to be home in time for 90210, you can say so — out loud.
13. If you’re not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling.
14. You can sleep your way to the top.
15. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
16. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
17. It’s possible for you to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
18. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
19. Brad Pitt
20. You don’t have to fart to amuse yourself.
21. If you cheat on your spouse, people assume it’s because you’re being emotionally neglected.
22. YOU never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
23. You’ll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper.
24. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
25. If you think the person you’re dating really likes you, you don’t have to break up with them.
26. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
27. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
28. You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her ass.
29. If you have a zit, you can conceal it.
30. You never have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there.
31. If you’re dumb, some people will find it cute.
32. You don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
33. You have the ability to dress yourself.
34. You have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
35. You can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
36. If you marry someone 20 years younger, you’re aware that you look like an idiot.
37. If you’re wearing cologne, you don’t have to pretend it’s aftershave.
38. You’ll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley.
39. You’ll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
40. You can quickly end any fight by crying.
41. Your friends won’t think you’re weird if you ask whether there’s spinach in your teeth.
42. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
43. You’ve never had a goatee.
44. Gay waiters don’t make you uncomfortable.
45. You’ll never regret piercing your ears.
46. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
47. You’ll never discover you’ve been duped by a Wonderbra.
48. You don’t have hair on your back.
49. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
50. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way that only another woman truly can.