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Oil Change Instructions

For Women

  1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
  2. Drink a cup of coffee.
  3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money Spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00

For Men

  1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, and cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
  2. Stop by 7 – 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
  3. Open a beer and drink it.
  4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
  5. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
  6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
  7. Place drain pan under engine.
  8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
  9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
  10. Unscrew drain plug.
  11. Drop drain plug in p an of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
  12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
  13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
  14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
  15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
  16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filt among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
  17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
  18. Sunday: Skip church because “I gotta finish the oil change.” Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
  19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
  20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
  21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
  22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
  23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
  24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
  25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
  26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
  27. Drink beer.
  28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
  29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
  30. Drink beer.
  31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
  32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
  33. Begin cussing fit.
  34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
  35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
  36. Beer.
  37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
  38. Beer.
  39. Beer.
  40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
  41. Beer.
  42. Lower car from jack stands.
  43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
  44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 – 43.
  45. Beer.
  46. Test drive car.
  47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
  48. Car gets impounded.
  49. Call loving wife, make bail.
  50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money Spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound Fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4165.00

But you know the job was done right!

Fishing

A pastor and two of his deacons are out on the river fishing in their rowboat. Twelve o’clock rolls around, and one of the deacons notices a nice spot on the bank to have lunch. He turns to the others and says, “That looks like a nice spot for lunch. What do you say we have lunch over there?”

The other deacon agrees, and so does the pastor. The deacon stands up in the boat, steps out onto the river and walks over to the bank. The pastor looks on with amazement, and thinks to himself, if his deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.

The other deacon stands up, picks up the picnic basket, steps out of the boat, and walks over to the bank and sits with the first deacon.

Again, the pastor thinks, if his second deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.

The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat, and falls right into the water. While he’s splashing around the first deacon turns to the second and says, “Think we should have told him where the tree stumps are?”

In Heaven

An 85-year-old couple, after being happily married for almost 60 years, died together in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to Mom’s interest in health food and proper diet.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their luxury mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bedroom suite and a fancy in-house Jacuzzi. The old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. “It’s free,” St. Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”

Next, they went out the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home faced upon. They would have golfing privileges every day. In addition, it changed to a new one daily, representing the greatest golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, “So, what are the green fees?” St. Peter replied, “This is Heaven, you play for free.”

Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the best cuisine of the World laid out.

“How much to eat?” asked the old man. “Don’t you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free,” St. Peter replied with some exasperation.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly. In a forceful voice, St. Peter said, “That’s the best part, you can eat as much as like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick — this is Heaven.”

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his halo, screaming wildly and taking the Lord’s name in vain. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong.

The old man glared at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here years ago.”

Having A Bad Day?

This was sent to me by one of my friends… It’s pretty funny…

From my friends mouth: My ex-husband had this annoying habit of bringing greasy old carburetors and things into the house to work on. So, last week, when my friend called to tell me this story, my first response was, “Where did this guy live?”

The way my friend told it, this guy pushed his motorcycle from the patio into his living room, where he began to clean the engine with some rags and a bowl of gasoline. When he finished, he sat on the motorcycle and decided to start it to make sure evertying was still OK. Unfortunately, the bike started in gear, and crashed through the glass patio door with thim still clinging to the handlebars.

His wife had been working in the kitchen. She came running at the noise, and found him crumpled on the patio, badly cut from the shards of broken glass. She called 911, and the paramedics transported the guy to the emergency room.

Later that afternoon, after many stitches had pulled her husband back togther, the wife brought him home and put him to bed. She cleaned up the mess in the living room, and dumped the bowl of gasoline in the toilet.

Shortly therafter, her husband woke up, let a cigarette, and went into the bathroom. He sat down and tossed the cigarette into the toilet, which promptly exploded because the wife had not flushed the gasoline away. The explosion blew the man through the bathroom door.

The wife heard the explosion and her husband’s screams. She ran into the hall and found him lying on the floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same two paramedics were dispatched to the scene. They layed the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. One of them asked the wife how the injury had occurred. When she told them, they began laughing so hard that they dropped the stretcher, and broke the guy’s collarbone.

Talk about Instant Karma.

The Year’s Best (Actual) Headlines Of 2005

Crack Found on Governor’s Daughter …(Imagine That!)

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says …(No, really?)

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers …(Now that’s taking things a bit far!)

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? …(Not if I wipe thoroughly!)

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over …(What a guy!)

Miners Refuse to Work after Death …(No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-sos!)

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant …(See if that works any better than a fair trial!)

War Dims Hope for Peace …(I can see where it might have that effect!)

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile …(You think?)

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures …(Who would have thought!)

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide …(They may be on to something!)

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges …(You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?)

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge …(he probably IS the battery charge!)

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group …(Weren’t they fat enough?!)

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft …(That’s what he gets for eating those beans!)

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks …(Taste like chicken?)

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half …(Chainsaw Massacre all over again!)

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors …(Boy, are they tall!)

And the winner is…. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Only A Mexican Wife

The sick Mexican husband was laying on his death bed.

He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales.

He dearly loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his querida Rosita’s tamales.

With every last bit of the energy left in his mind and body, the terminally ill husband pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen.

Here, his wife was removing the fresh batch of tamales from the stove top.

As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his corazon, Rosita, smacked him in the back of the head with a wooden spoon: “Leave them alone, pendejo! …They’re for your funeral!”

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

You Know You’re a 90’s Kid If…

You’ve ever ended a sentence with the word “PSYCHE!”

You can sing the rap to “The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air”

You’ve worn skorts and felt stylish

You yearned to be part of the Baby-Sitters club

You use to love playing with your MY Little Pet Shop

You know that “WOAH” comes from Joey from “Blossom” and that “How Rude!” comes from Stephanie from “Full House”

You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

You wore a ponytail on the side of your head and had fluffed bangs

You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

You wanted to change your name to “JEM” in kindergarten

You remember reading “Goosebumps”

You know the profound meaning of “Wax on, wax off”

You have pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.

You remember the craze then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books.

You still get the urge to say “NOT” after (almost) every sentence…Not…

You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green Ranger were meant to be together.

You remember “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”

You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates

You wore socks over leggings scrunched down

You remember boom boxes vs. cd players

You knew what it meant to say “Care Bear Stare”

You remember Alf, the little brown alien from Melmac and Vicki the Robot from “MY Little Wonder”

You remember New Kids on The Block when they were cool

You knew all the characters names and their life stories on “Saved By The Bell”

You played and or collected “Pogs”

You used to pretend to be a MIGHTY MORPHIN Power Ranger and you owned a Skip It

You had at least one GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere

You watched the original Care Bears, My Little Pony, and Ninja Turtles

All your school supplies were “Lisa Frank” brand.(pencils.notebooks.binders.etc.)

You used to wear those stick on earings, not only on your ears, but at the corners of your eyes.

You remember a time before the WB.

You’ve gotten creeped out by “Are You Afraid of the Dark?”

You thought it would be so cool to be Alex Mack.

You know the Macarena by heart.. LOL

“Talk to the hand” …enough said

You thought Brain woud finally take over the world