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Vocabulary Enhancements

Top 10 replies by developers when their programs don’t work:

  1. ‘I thought I fixed that.’
  2. ‘Why do you want to do it that way?’
  3. ‘Where were you when the program blew up?’
  4. ‘Did you check for a virus?’
  5. ‘Somebody must have changed my code.’
  6. ‘It works, but it hasn’t been tested.’
  7. ‘You must have the wrong version.’
  8. ‘It worked yesterday.’
  9. ‘It’s never done that before.’
  10. ‘That’s weird…’

The Rules For Men Explained

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women.

Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

Simple Duties

You make the bed +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1
You leave the toilet seat up -5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings +5
in the snow +8
but return with beer -5
and no liners -25
You check out a suspicious noise at night 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something +5
You pummel it with a six-iron +10
It’s her cat -40

At The Party

You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy -2
Named Tiffany -4
Tiffany is a dancer -10
With breast implants -18

Her Birthday

You remember her birthday 0
You buy a card and flowers 0
You take her out to dinner 0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar +1
Okay, it is a sports bar -2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night -3
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team -10

A Night Out With The Boys

Go with a pal 0
The pal is happily married +1
The pal is single -7
He drives a Ferrari -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED) -15

A Night Out With Her

You take her to a movie +2
You take her to a movie she likes +4
You take her to a movie you hate +6
You take her to a movie you like -2
It’s called Death Cop 3 -3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans -15

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable pot belly -15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it +10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts -30
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” -800

The Big Question

She asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?”

You hesitate in responding -10
You reply, “Where?” -35
You reply, “no, I think it’s your ass” -100
Any other response -20

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned statement 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes +5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience +50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying “well, what do you think I should do?” -50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV +100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep -200

Non-Communication

She gives you the silent treatment:

You ask if there’s anything wrong -1
You ask if it’s anything you did -5
You apologize for something you supposedly did, then ask +1
You say: “What’s wrong now?” -10
You know what it is she’s mad at, it’s something she’s blown way out of proportion, so you give her the silent treatment -25
You don’t immediately notice, and ask for sex -1/2 pint blood

Twenty Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters

Somebody sent this to me via email, and I thought I’d post it here… enjoy!

  1. Give away something other than candy (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.).
  2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume and holding a bag and yell, “Trick or Treat!” Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
  3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, “Top Secret” in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, “It’s about time you got here,” give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
  4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, “Come in.” When they do, have everyone yell, “Surprise!!!” Act like it’s a surprise party.
  5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what’s wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural “whirring” sound.
  6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
  7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don’t move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
  8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, “Crawl for it!”
  9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until they go away.
  10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
  11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
  12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
  13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
  14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
  15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
  16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
  17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M’s and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don’t have any candy.
  18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.
  19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin
  20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you’re finished.

Relationships

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Women!

Somebody sent this to me in an email… I thought it was pretty good, so I posted it here… enjoy!

Women’s Perfect Breakfast

A woman’s perfect breakfast: She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And, her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Women’s Revenge

“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.

“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him.”

Understanding Women

I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Sectional, Schmectional

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman.

“Is there something in particular I can show you?” he asked.

“Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa.”

“You mean a sectional sofa,” he suggested.

“Sectional, schmectional,” she bitterly retorted. “All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!”

Hey! Wait a Minute…

I said to my wife, “Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman in our street except one.”

She replied, “I’ll bet it’s that stuck-up Phyllis in apartment 23.”

No Cabbage For You

Two elderly ladies meet at the laundromat after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health one asked how the other’s husband was doing.

“Oh! Harold died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead, right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!”

“Oh dear! I’m very sorry,” replied her friend. “What did you do?”

“Well, I opened a can of peas instead!”

The Drug Store

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

He asks “What for?”

She says “I want to kill my husband”.

He says “Sorry, I can’t do that.”

She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife and hands it to him.

He looks at it and says, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription!”